Effective Parenting - Bonding Begins at Birth

By Dr. Aisha Hamdan

Many parents mistakingly equate parenting with discipline. Effective parenting begins from day one in a baby's life by establishing bonding.

Congratulations!! You and your spouse have just given birth to a bouncy baby boy or girl. As you become acquainted with your little bundle you begin to ask yourself many questions: "How will I cope with this new responsibility?"; "Will I be able to raise my child as a fully functioning, psychologically healthy person?"; "Will I be capable of protecting my child from the evil in this society?"; "What do I need to do to build a strong Muslim character in my child?" Whether this is your first experience at parenthood or one in a line of blessings, the same questions surface each time a new being appears. In upcoming issues of this magazine we will try to provide some insights into methods that will lead to positive outcomes for the concerns that are often raised. One can use the analogy of building blocks, with the first blocks placed at the time of birth. Many people believe that the task of parenting does not begin until a child can walk and talk and get into mischief, requiring some form of discipline from the parent. The term parenting is often equated with discipline. This understanding is inaccurate, however, because effective parenting begins at birth with a phenomenon known as bonding or attachment.

What is bonding?

Bonding is the formation of enduring emotional ties between an infant and a special person in his/her world (usually the mother). It is a process that takes place over time involving an affectionate, reciprocal relationship between these two people. The interaction usually occurs in this manner:

1. the infant cries or expresses discomfort;
2. the caretaker responds in an attentive and loving way, fulfilling the needs of the infant;
3. the infant smiles and coos as a sign of contentment;
4. the caretaker is gratified to know that she/he can please the infant and produce such a response.
5. It is a beautiful, harmonious interplay that is a part of Allah's universal plan. It plants the seeds of the social and community ties that are so important in Islam.

Bonding is vitally important because it can affect the psychological and social development of a child. Scientific research has shown that children who were securely attached in infancy are more competent in certain social and cognitive skills: they are more curious, competent, cooperative, and self-directed than those who were insecurely attached. They are also more likely to be sought out as friends and chosen to be leaders. In school, they tend to interact with teachers in friendly and appropriate ways and are more likely to be independent, seeking help from teachers only when needed. Children who were insecurely attached tend to experience more difficulty in these areas and these effects may carry over into later years. Poor attachment has been found to be one factor in an equation that explains problems in adolescence such as juvenile delinquency, teenage pregnancy, drug and alcohol use, and more.

Fostering a strong bond with your child

How does a parent build a strong bond with her/his child and foster secure attachment?

1. Stay home with the baby. This is the ideal situation (although not always possible) for both the mother and the child. Allah has assigned women the role of nurturer and caretaker and has created them with characteristics that fit this role. Since bonding develops through many interactions between parent and child it only makes sense that they be together for this to occur. It is a disturbing situation when a woman goes back to work 6 weeks after the baby is born leaving him/her in daycare for 10 hours a day. She then comes home too frazzled and exhausted to have any interactions with the baby much less quality time. If it is absolutely necessary for a woman to work it is important to find a competent, caring person to take care of the child, preferably a Muslim. It is possible for a child to bond with more than one person.

2. Breastfeed. Allah has provided humans with a natural technique for development of a bond through the prescription of breastfeeding: "The mothers shall give suck to their offspring for two whole years." [2:233]; "And the bearing of him and the weaning of him is thirty months." [46:15]. This is another example of Allah's infinite wisdom that has only recently been proven by scientific knowledge. There are numerous health benefits from breastfeeding as well as emotional and social effects that will last a lifetime.

3. Respond to the infant's needs as quickly as possible. A significant part of the bonding process involves trust. When the needs of the baby are fulfilled, he/she develops trust in the caretaker and in the world. Crying and fussiness are forms of communication that signal that something is not quite right, and it is the responsibility of the caretaker to determine what should be done. Experienced parents are able to distinguish various cries and their associated needs. It is also possible to sense the early signs of needs and take care of them before the infant becomes upset. Caretakers who do this well usually have babies who are very content, secure, and enjoyable.

4. Communicate with your infant. There are many ways to send messages of love and care to your infant. These include talking in a soft voice, "answering" sounds by cooing or imitating, singing, smiling, hugging, stroking, massaging, making eye contact and much more. Mothers and infants tend to develop their own special language that really is an expression of their love for each other. One of the most wonderful gifts from Allah is the beautiful, bright smile of an infant that says "I am loved and cared for and I am returning that love." What amazing synchrony!

Following this advice does not guarantee that your child will develop according to your wishes and it will not alleviate your concerns, but it is an initial building block that will provide a strong foundation upon which to build. It is important to remember throughout the whole building process that our children are only a test for us and that we must always rely on Allah.

Have you Talked with Your Child Today?

By Dr. Aisha Hamdan

from here

[I personally like this article better than the other one that i post before]

Have you had a meaningful conversation together? Do you know what your child accomplished today, how he may be feeling, whether or not he has any concerns? Does your child know that you care about him?

In Islam, the ties of kinship and family are very strong and something that will always be present throughout our lifetime. There are very serious consequences for someone who decides to break these ties. Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, says,"Then, is it to be expected of you, if you were put in authority, that you will do mischief in the land, and break your ties of kith and kin? Such are the men whom Allah has cursed for He has made them deaf and blinded their sight." [Qur'an 47:22-23]. The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, said,"Whoever severs the bonds of kinship will not enter Paradise." (Bukhari and Muslim).

A major component of our familial ties is communication. In fact, without communication there would be little connection between people. Living together in the same household with limited, or even hostile, interaction would not fit the criteria for maintaining the bonds of kinship. To develop meaningful relationships within our families we need to know how to communicate effectively and sincerely with each other. A large part of this involves skills and principles that can be learned through practice and sincere effort. The following is a guide to strengthen these ties that bind.

1) Active Listening.

You may be surprised to discover that the most important aspect of effective communication is listening. This means that the listener pays full attention to the speaker and attempts to understand what that person is saying and feeling. The listener should suspend judgment, show interest, and respect what is being said. He or she may then restate the content and feelings to demonstrate that sincerity is present. The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, always gave his full attention to anyone that he conversed with, even his enemies and those with whom he disagreed. When he addressed his companions, they listened intently and attached importance to everything he said.

2) Level of Understanding.

Parents should always keep in mind the age and level of understanding of their child and should speak with him accordingly. The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, said "Speak to the people keeping in view their level of understanding. Would you like to see them think of what you tell them from Allah and His Messenger as lies?" (Bukhari) This is important so that the child will be able to comprehend what is said, the expectations of the parents will not go beyond the capacity of the child and lead to problems, and difficulties will not be placed upon the child unnecessarily. This is particularly pertinent for sensitive issues such as death, personal modesty issues, and adult responsibilities. There are various levels of complexity with each of these and the correct level needs to be chosen for each child. One way to ascertain this is by the type of questions that a child asks.

3) The Manners of a Mu'min.

A believer is someone who believes in Allah's Message and follows the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam. In relationships then, a believer would demonstrate honesty, kindness, patience, self-restraint, fairness, trustworthiness, etc. He would avoid teasing, blaming, belittling, mocking, excessive and idle talk, and fault-finding. There are many Qur'anic verses and ahadeeth that give detailed descriptions of this topic such as: "Verily, Allah is with the patient." [2: 153], "Speak fair to the people." [2:83], "Kind words and covering of faults are better than charity followed by injury." [2:263], "A Muslim is a brother of another Muslim. He does not wrong him, nor insult him nor humiliate him." (Muslim), and "The thing which will make the majority of people enter Paradise is fear of Allah and good manners." (Tirmithi) These principles should be applied in conversations with children and teenagers as well as adults. It is probably even more important with young people because we are setting an example for them. What do we want our children to learn? We can not expect kindness and respect from our children if we are not being kind and respectful toward them.

4) Avoiding Contention.

The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "If a man gives up contention when he is in the wrong, a house will be built for him within the Garden of Paradise; but if a man gives up contention, even when he is in the right, a house will be built for him in the loftiest part of the Garden." (Termithi) The value of this advice lies in the fact that contention and disputes lead to a breakdown in the relationship, even rancor, enmity, and hostility. I have worked with many families where this has occurred and it can be very difficult to mend the wounds that have been created and to bring family members back together. It goes without saying that it is best to completely avoid reaching this low level.

Let us all work to improve our style of communication and our relationships with each other. When our children feel that their parents understand them and are willing to listen to them, they will open up their hearts and trust will develop. Effective teaching and discipline cannot be implemented without a certain level of trust, understanding, and mutual respect. If you are concerned about your children in a non-Muslim environment and it is affecting the way you interact with them, the best you can do is teach and advise them, give them responsibility, trust them, and let them know that you care for them. We can then make du'a and rely upon Allah's Grace and Assistance. This is our best weapon in a world of non-belief. May Allah help each of us to strengthen the ties that bind us together as a family and bring happiness and contentment to our homes.

PRACTICAL TIPS:

• Set aside some time each day to talk with your child. If you have more than one child, each should have their own equal, individual time.
• Read books with your child about Islam that pertain to relationships with others and stories about the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, and the companions, radiallaahu anhum. These will provide you with the necessary guidelines and inspiration.
• Tape record one of your conversations and rate yourself or have other give you feedback. This is an effective method to determine your weak areas and to improve upon them.
• Obtain advice from other parents when needed, especially those who have more experience. This may save time and avoid undue hardships and pain.

5 great ways to bond with your children

great article to share with me and anyone today.

It is crucial for parents to bond with their children so that they can build a strong and healthy relationship.

DINNERTIME

In order to build a strong bond with your children, it is important to make your family a priority. Although it can seem difficult to get together for dinner every night, it is a hurdle that you should be determined to overcome. Your schedules are busy -- work, school, dance practice, soccer games -- but your kids grow up too fast to let your hectic routines get in the way of quality time as a family unit. "Can't" has to be omitted from your vocabulary. You CAN have dinner together, and you will be glad that you did because sometimes it can be the only time in a busy day that you get the opportunity to sneak away from the hustle bustle of life. Make dinner time special. Turn off the television. Sit at the dinner table, not on the couch. Everyone can help get ready so that mom doesn't get stuck playing the role of waitress while everyone else enjoys the meal. Have the kids set the table (never miss an opportunity to teach them some responsibility). Talk about your days. Ask your children about school. Everyone at the table could say what the best and worst parts of their day were. You will be surprised how much a simple sit-down dinner can keep you "in the know" with your kids.

GAME NIGHT

Playing games with your children gives you the opportunity to have some good old-fashioned fun with the family. It also gives your kids the opportunity to see your more playful side. Charades is a great game for family hilarity. The non-verbal clues in charades force you to be goofy, no matter how old you are. Your kids will crack up watching you act silly and childlike. Monopoly is another great family game, as long as your kids are old enough to understand the rules (usually at about 8 years old). For one, everyone will have their "lucky" player piece, such as the dog or the shoe. Also, it is a long game, and you will find that there is plenty of time to talk to each other while you play. Twister is another classic, because everyone will crack up at the tangled and contorted positions that mom and dad have to get into. A relatively new board game is Cranium, which combines charades, drawing, word puzzles, clay sculpting, and trivia. This is a great option for family game night because it has something for everyone, and it is played in teams. Having a game night gives you the chance to show your kids that you aren't always serious and "parent-like." They will see the fun and funny side of you, which will give you a closer and more well-rounded relationship overall. Plus, you are making memories together and forming traditions.

ONE-ON-ONE TIME

Your kids are individuals, so unless you have an only-child, it is important to make set aside one-on-one time with each kid. You might go to dinner with your daughter once a month, just the three off you. You could take your son to the batting cages. You could bring your history-loving child to a museum, and take the dancer-kid to a ballet. Spending time with each child will make them feel special, and it will build their confidence in themselves. Also, you should give the kids alone time with mom and dad separately. Sometimes it can be easier for a child to talk about certain things with mom that they wouldn't want to with dad, and vice versa. For example, a girl usually wants to talk to mom about boys and clothes. A boy might want to talk to dad alone about dating and sports. If you only spend time as a family unit, then you will be missing out on special bonds that can only be formed with one-on-one time.

STORIES

Sometimes children forget that their parents are human beings. If you tell your kids stories about your childhood and life experiences, then they will be able to get to know you better, and they will be able to relate to you more. Tell your kids about some of your memories from school, family vacations, etc. Tell them about your first date, your first school dance, your first summer job, etc. If you share your stories, they will feel more comfortable sharing theirs. Never pass up an opportunity to relate to your kids. Don't be afraid to tell your children about mistakes that you made. The last thing you want your kids to think is that you are and were perfect. If they think that, then they will be very intimidated about telling you about mistakes that they make. You can teach them that making mistakes is part of life, and you can also teach them to share their feelings rather than bottling them up. Good communication is key, and story-telling will build your communication.

BE A GOOD LISTENER

Sometimes parents are too quick to reprimand their children for bad choices. Instead of jumping into a lecture, always give your child the opportunity to state their case. It will help you to understand their motives, and you will be able to say something in response that addresses their rationale. This doesn't mean that they will argue their way out of a punishment; it just shows them that you respect them enough to let them speak their mind. You should be more interested in understanding your children than in punishing them. If you listen to them, then they will be more likely to listen to you. If you don't give them the opportunity to speak, then they will not listen to you when you do. All relationships are give-take, and that includes parent-child relationships. You will bond with your child and make breakthroughs if you listen to each other and respect each other.